Have you ever looked at yourself, lying on the sofa, skipping the to-do list, procrastinating over brushing your teeth thinking, “What’s wrong with me?” I have. Recently. And it turns out, what I was calling laziness… was actually grief.

It’s easy to spiral into self-judgment and self-loathing when we’re feeling big emotions like grief, sadness, loss, or despair.

So how can we find motivation after loss? How can we support ourselves through emotional struggle?

As an executive mental fitness coach, I work with ambitious, high performing women to achieve happiness, joy, fulfillment and peace in all seasons of life, including the parts we don’t want to go through, like grief. 

Life happens to all of us. And often, we have things happening adjacent. 

Motherhood AND loneliness. 

Business success AND despair. 

Career growth AND disconnection.

The Morning I Gave Myself a 3

I woke up, fully rested, nothing objectively “wrong.” But everything felt heavy. Even brushing my teeth felt like a burden. My inner critic was already in full swing:
“You’re being lazy.”
“You’re wasting time.”
“This isn’t your best.”

That voice was sharp, judgmental, relentless and was narrating my every move. And I believed it until I didn’t.

Pattern Recognition: The First Step Toward Liberation

The work I do with clients centers around pattern recognition. By identifying recurring mindsets like perfectionism, the need for control, or hyper-achievement (that constant drive for “more, more, more”), we gain the power to choose: default to those patterns, or forge a different path.

When I caught myself spiraling, I did what I often ask my clients to do: I paused and asked two simple questions:

How do I feel? What do I need?

The answer wasn’t laziness. The answer was grief. Quiet, unannounced, creeping in around the edges. It had been nearly two years since my son passed away in the night. And even though I wasn’t consciously thinking about the date… my body remembered.

Grief doesn’t knock politely. It lives in the background, in your energy, your breath, your motivation. And when we don’t name it, we tend to shame it.

The Ego’s Favorite Lie: “You Should Be Over This”

In my 121 coaching work, I see this all the time. Clients label themselves as lazy, unmotivated, or undisciplined when they’re actually carrying something heavy,  emotionally, psychologically, or spiritually.

We live in a world that rewards output, not presence. So we internalize the idea that stillness is failure. That exhaustion is a flaw. That if we’re not creating, we’re not contributing.

But grief isn’t a problem to solve. It’s a process to honor. And surviving is not the same as thriving — but it is a worthy phase of its own.

A typical pattern of self sabotage for high performing individuals is the constant quest for ‘more’. More money, more success, more goals. I know this pattern, I’ve lived it many times. A superpower, like the ability to ‘get things done’ and execute at a high level  becomes a weakness when we’re overusing and abusing it. When the narratives of:

‘Not good enough’

‘Failure’ 

‘You need to do more’ 

Creep in. We’ve lost perspective of what actually matters and we’re now using our superpower as a weapon to beat ourselves and drain energy.

The Turning Point: How to Spot Self-Judgment After Loss

I started to accelerate my own personal development and growth when I started investing in coaching for myself. Transformational coaching isn’t just something I deliver for clients, it’s a practice and process I use for myself. In a powerful session with my coach, I realized I wasn’t just sad. I was brutalizing myself for being sad. I used words like “lazy,” “disgusting,” “a mess.” I wouldn’t speak to anyone else that way. And yet I was weaponizing those words against myself.

That’s when I saw it: my Judge saboteur, loud and venomous, standing between me and any kind of self-compassion.

Naming that inner critic didn’t make her disappear, but it gave me space. Space to breathe. To cry. To be real. 

The first step to dealing with negative self-talk is simply becoming aware that a narrative is running in the background. Notice the soap opera playing out in your mind. Witness the takedown instead of believing it. Just because you think something doesn’t make it true.

What If This Is the Best You Can Do Today?

Sometimes, the most radical act of healing is choosing to believe that even in your messiest, least productive moments… you are worthy. You are whole. You are enough.

And sometimes, the “best” you can do today is lying on the sofa. Is crying in the coffee shop. Is messaging your sister to say, “I’m on a 2 today. But I want to be with you.”

That’s not weakness. That’s wisdom. That’s presence.

If You’re in It Right Now, Read This

If your energy feels low and your inner critic feels loud, here’s what I want you to know:

• You are not broken.
  
• You are not lazy.
  
• You are living through something.
  

The healing isn’t always visible, but it’s happening.So ask yourself: 

How do I feel?
What do I need?

Final Thoughts On Motivation After A Loss.

Finding motivation after a loss can feel impossible and I know that firsthand. But let those questions soften your inner edges. Let them guide you like a compass.

And remember: You’re not failing. You’re just alive.This is the work I do—quietly, closely, and compassionately—with high-achieving women who are used to holding it all together… until they can’t, and are finally ready for change. If this resonates, you’re welcome to book a free 30-minute coaching call with me. There’s no pressure, just space. Space to talk, be seen, and maybe breathe a little easier.